Christians differ in their views when it comes to the will of God in selecting a spouse.

Many Christians believe that God has selected only one specific person for each of us and it’s up to each of us to find that person. They say that Christians who marry based on desire are not in God’s will and could end up miserable or might get divorced because they have married the wrong person. It is believed that couples get divorced because they have married outside the will of God.

Meanwhile, some Christians believe that the key to finding God’s will and marital happiness is finding the “right one.” But how do we know that person is the “right one” to marry? There are also Christians who hold to the belief that when the right person comes along, they will know because the Holy Spirit will point them to that person.

You may have heard or read the story of a pastor who was attracted to one of his church members but was hesitant to tell her how he felt for fear that the girl might not reciprocate his feelings. So he came up with a plan to tell the girl how the Holy Spirit revealed to him that she was the one chosen by God to be his wife.

He told the girl that it was God’s will for her to become his wife. The girl was shocked upon hearing what the pastor had to say but she managed to politely say: “Pastor, that’s impossible! It’s impossible because I’m already married to someone else.” 

The Will of God in Marriage

So what is the will of God in marriage? We read in Genesis 1:31 how God called everything He created “good.” But seeing the man without a suitable mate, God said it is not good for him to be alone (Genesis 2:18) so he let the man fall into a deep sleep and created a woman out of the man’s ribs (Genesis 2:21-22).

From this account of Adam and Eve, we can establish that it is God’s will for a man to have a partner and helpmate (or help-meet in the old KJV). The will of God in marriage has never changed, it’s still the same today and remains to be the same until He comes to rule and reign on the earth.

However, choosing whom you’ll marry is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make because it will extensively affect the rest of your life. It’s only natural to want reassurance that you’re doing the right thing, given its magnitude.

But how do you know God’s will for a marriage partner? Does God tell us who we’re supposed to marry? To answer these questions, let us go to what the word of God says, the Bible because the word of God is the will of God.

Guidelines for Selecting a Wife or Husband

Finding the right kind of spouse is God’s will for every believer. Although the Bible does not teach anywhere that believers need to find a specific person whom the Lord has chosen or tell us directly who we should marry, it does give us clear guidelines on finding the right kind of husband or wife.

When seeking a marriage partner, Christians need to seek the mind and will of God, for there can be no better counsel than what is found in the word of God.

1. A Christian must marry a Christian.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15 gives a clear instruction from the apostle Paul that Christians are not to be bound together with non-Christians. When we enter into a covenant relationship with God, we are declared righteous in Christ and are brought into the light of God’s truth.

So we should not have intimate fellowship with those who are still in spiritual darkness. A believer should marry a believer so that they can continually encourage each other in the Lord. It is never the will of God for Christians to be marrying non-Christians.

In the Old Testament, interracial marriages were not acceptable. Genesis 24, the longest chapter in the book of Genesis, contains one of the greatest love stories known to man, that of Isaac and Rebekah. When Abraham was very old, he made his senior servant swear by the Lord not to take a wife for his son Isaac from the Canaanites, but to go to his very own family to get a wife for him (Genesis 24:1-4).

Abraham understood very well the negative implications of having an unbelieving wife and mother. So Abraham insisted that Isaac marries a woman who is a believer.

We also read how Aaron and Miriam talked against their brother Moses because of his Cushite wife (Numbers 12:1) and Esau grieving his parents Isaac and Rebekah for marrying two Canaanite women (Genesis 26:34-35). So when it was time for Jacob to marry, Rebekah insisted that Jacob go back to her own people to find a wife (Genesis 27:46). Isaac agreed with Rebekah and sent Jacob away charging him not to take a wife from the daughters of Canaan (Genesis 28:1).

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The Israelites were commanded not to engage in interracial marriages, not because of skin color or ethnicity but because they would be led astray from God and would turn to idol worship (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). Just as the people of God, the Israelites, were commanded not to marry idolaters, Christians are commanded not to marry non-Christians (unbelievers).

Does this mean that Christians can’t be friends with non-Christians? No! On the contrary, we should develop friendships with them so that we will have the opportunity to share the gospel with them. Former Muslims who turned to Christ testify that one major factor for their conversion was the love and genuine concern they received from Christians. Friendship, unlike marriage, is not a bond for life.

2. A Christian must marry a Christian who has a godly character.

Being a Christian does not guarantee that he or she has the qualities necessary to make the marriage successful. Proverbs 12:4 and Proverbs 31:10 exhort men to find a wife of noble character and to avoid a quarrelsome wife (Proverbs 19:13). Women, likewise, are to find men with these godly characteristics.

Find someone who is a person of character (Psalm 119:1) because men and women of character are trustworthy in all they do and they are sure to keep their word no matter what the cost. Also, look for someone who faithfully obeys God in everything and is growing every day in his faith in Jesus.

3. Don’t worry about finding the right person, become the right person yourself.

In finding the right kind of husband or wife, the Christian must first begin with his or her own faith in and relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Instead of asking, “Is he or she the right one for me?” a Christian must focus on being the right person.

You’ve got to be the kind of person that you exactly want for the person you want to marry. In other words, if you want a kind, loving, and godly person to marry then you’ve got to become a kind, loving and godly person.

To be godly is to have a daily quiet time when you pray, read the Bible, meditate on it, and apply it in your life (Joshua 1:8). Attend church regularly, get involved in the ministry, and just focus on God and His kingdom as you grow in your spiritual walk with the Lord.

4. Marry someone who loves God more than he or she loves you.

The first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength (Mark 12:30).

You must observe how is your partner’s love for God because in time the way he or she loves and serves Him will be reflected in the way he or she loves and serves you.

The only way he or she can love you is if he or she loves God above anything or anybody else.

5. Marry someone you can pray with.

Every Christian needs a prayer partner, one who will lift you and encourage you when you’re down and in times of trials and difficulties.

The Bible encourages believers to have someone to agree with you in prayer (Matthew 18:19) and the best prayer partner would be your spouse because more than anybody else, he or she knows what you’re going through.

It is also a proven fact that couples who pray together stay together because prayer builds deep intimacy in a marriage.

These are just five of the guidelines that God gives to us in selecting a future partner in life. No one will ever fit into the “perfect partner” category but finding someone who has the personal qualities that can develop and sustain a lifetime relationship with the Lord could be a sign that you are in the will of God in finding a mate. And as you follow the Lord’s guidelines, you need to trust the Lord for the blessings.

Conclusion

The Lord gives every believer the free choice to marry or not to marry. God has given marriage to be a free choice for every believer. Proverbs 18:22 says that finding a wife is finding what is good and receiving favor from the Lord. So if you choose to get married, that is good.

If you do not have a desire to marry so you can focus on serving God, that is good as well. Jesus said in Matthew 19:12 that some of us have chosen not to marry for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The apostle Paul also encourages Christians to stay single (like himself) in 1 Corinthians 7:7 but continues to say that each one has his own gift from God.

Should you choose to get married, you may marry whomever you wish as long as he or she has the qualities listed above. God wants to bless your union but it has to be acceptable to God, to begin with. And remember, you should marry that person because you love him with all your heart, not only because you think it is good for you. You should marry because you are ready to enter into a lifetime commitment with that person.

Wanting to get married is normal and a natural desire but you need to pray about it and then leave it in God’s hands. You need to trust God with all your heart (Proverbs 3:5-6), especially when it concerns the person whom you will be spending the rest of your life with.

Recommended Resource:

God Is a Matchmaker: Seven Biblical Principles for Finding Your Mate By Derek & Ruth Prince In God Is a Matchmaker, Derek, and Ruth Prince share seven biblical principles for finding your mate. Sharing their own real-life love story and full of inspiring testimonies from others who followed these principles and found their perfect match, this book reveals God’s pattern for marriage. The book also offers special counsel for parents, youth leaders, pastors, and counselors.